I did it. I biked past the coffee shop and beyond the store, resulting in a bike ride. I substantial-ish one, where I really did sweat, where I was reminded how boring biking can be, and one where I had to pace myself. It was about 25 miles, which humbly reminded me that I have a lot of biking ahead of me but a stop at the legendary, delicious, hours of biking worthy Whole Foods for one jumbo salad and a pink (lucky) coconut water made it easy to forget the strenuous days ahead.
The river curved around the farms, and the golden bends of land while the hills, fields, trees played hide-and-seek with the sun and shade. A seemingly endless bike path mirrored the curves of the river and kissed the pastures. I remembered what it was like to bike for more then twenty minutes, saw how the world looks different from a bicycle rather then through a car window. I can see the lavender colored flowers highlight the road and see the horses nestle their heads and necks into each other. The beauty in a bicycle is in each peddle. I also remembered what it’s like to bike with me and it’s pretty amusing.
Aggressively swerving in order to save a grasshoppers life, grooving out dangerously hard with no hands and my music so loud that my ears are sore at the end of the ride not my legs. The luxuries of a bike path. I would accasionly look behind me to see if anyone was close enough to hear me yelling, no quite singing, songs by Beyoncé and all the way to the other spectrum, Phish. I wouldn’t have enough time to calm my arms and hold onto my handle bars in a uniform fashion to disguise my insanity from passing cars, so I would continue to swish my hands, arms and fingertips tips through the autumn air and see them smile as they see this mess on a bike.
While biking for a few hours without the distraction of cars zooming by me too quickly and too closely I had the space to remember what I think. I had time to experience the tangential bombings of thoughts that erupt in my mind. Then watch them extinguish as fast as they erupted.
Grasshopper move! Oh thank god. Woah that is a small small chipmunk. Bear warning! What the heck would I do if I ran into a bear, what if I legitimately ran into a bear with baby blue. Could I out race a bear on my bike? I think the bear would win. Good thing there aren’t many dangerous things in New Zealand. Woah in New Zealand I’m going to have to bike way longer then this everyday, in New Zealand I won’t have someone to come home to after the ride. Too much future thought, river is beautiful, let’s listen to a podcast
I get to deal with that for months. Maybe I’ll start talking to myself out loud to commit to a personal dialogue. Terrifying. Intimidating. I never thought that this, facing myself with no social distractions, would be the scariest part of this trip. I’m not a scary human, people who know me may say I am one of the least scary people. So what creates this fear of self? Well let’s look at us all, look around you, look at yourself, when was the last time you had a day to yourself? A whole day, you may have talked to someone at the gas station or at the coffee shop, but other then that absolutely no one. It’s hard to think of a day like that. That’s what’s makes this time with self so intimidating. The classic, unavoidable fear of the unknown; who would’ve thought the unknown was my own self? It’s hard to imagine what it’ll be like to have that sort of experience for more then a day. I have mentioned this concept of self and self reflection in previous posts and will probably keep reoccurring, but it’s coming into fruition that this might be the biggest challenge of my trip. Of course biking will be hard but I have no time frame so I can always stop if it’s unbareable, the fish might be too big but that’ll never be a problem, I mean really we’re talking going fly fishing on the rivers of legends, I’ll be okay in that department but self, alone time. The only way I can escape that is through blogging and strangers; both will be great and I am fully excited for them but self is the one unescapable element in this trip. I’m pretty darn lucky that as a twenty year old I get to face this self whose introduction is often postponed or completely ignored due to the fogged layers of media and technology and social interactions. Into the thoughts of Emma.
So until then. Until I hit the road in a slowly but surely fashion I will continue to grind my teeth as a fall asleep with anxiety, continue to be amused by myself and to make the most if having people to come home to at the end of the day.